Popular
by Pirate Moose
Summary: A one-shot crossover based in the Torchwood Hub, using lyrics from Wicked's 'Popular' - it will make sense when you read it, honest! Jack & Ianto pairing, but mentions the rest of the team. Enjoy!


**Popular – Torchwood/Wicked Crossover (One-Shot)**

Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or Wicked – unfortunately! All the copyright & legal stuff belong to their respective owners.

NB: Set during series 2, not long after '_Kiss Kiss Bang Bang' _[S2:Ep1]

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The Hub was unusually quiet for this time of night. Gwen, Owen and Tosh had already left, on account of finally managing to clear the tedious mound of paperwork (well, Owen _said_ he had completed the autopsy forms, but had in fact stuffed them at the back of the draw to deal with at some other time). Even Myfanwy had flown out for some fresh, evening air – undoubtedly there would be several hysteric reports of flying dinosaurs, come tomorrow morning...

Captain Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones were completely alone. Jack was leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up on the desk, whilst Ianto was attempting to water the alien plants in the hothouse. Decisively, the plants were winning the battle. Following their rather brief conversation in the office block, (that is, before Captain John Hart put in an unwelcome visit) Ianto and Jack had subsequently agreed to go on a date. Jack, ever the gentlemen, had let Ianto choose the venue, which turned out to be the little restaurant overlooking Mermaid Quay. Perhaps a little predictable on Ianto's part, Jack had thought, but at least he could guarantee the coffee met with his colleague's _very_ high expectations and approval. He smiled warmly to himself as he thought about the night ahead.

Ianto was not having much success with the watering – usually this was Owen's job, but since he had buggered off early (Ianto was _convinced_ he hadn't finished the forms, not that he'd say anything of course), the task was left to the resident coffee-boy.

"Are you wearing that tonight?" asked Jack, suddenly popping his head around the door and causing Ianto to drop the watering can in fright. The Captain gave him a look up and down as he went to fetch a mop for the expanding puddle beneath his feet.

"My suit?" he replied, propping the mop against the bench. "Yyyes... why, what's wrong with it?!" twisting around to check his back in an act of paranoia. Gwen had often joked about Ianto's need for perfection, though little did the team know just how serious the compulsion had become lately...

"Nothing, nothing at all," Jack said quickly, noting Ianto's growing concern. "You know I love you in a pinstripe..."

"There's a 'but', isn't there?"

"Well, yes, you have a very nice one." Jack flashed his colleague a cheeky, yet dazzling smile. Ianto blushed a deep shade of maroon, averting his gaze to avoid staring into the sparkling blue eyes before him. The Captain continued, "All I meant was, I never see you out of a suit. Why don't you wear something a little more, I don't know, casual?"

Ianto seemed slightly taken-aback. "Why don't you wear something a little less, I don't know, _World War Two_?" he responded in slight irritation.

Jack pursed his lips and tilted his head from side to side, as if weighing up the argument. "Touché!"

"Besides, I happen to like my suits. I've worked hard to be able to afford them and I'll wear them with pride!" he said, starting to take it personally.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it in that way..."

"How did you meant it then," enquired Ianto, hands on hips and head cocked to the left.

"Well, _whenever I see someone less fortunate than I (and less face it – who isn't less fortunate than I?). My tender heart tends to start to bleed."_ Theatrically, he placed one hand on his chest and the other on Ianto's shoulder. Ianto stared at him, open-mouthed in disbelief. He knew Jack sometimes acted differently following a strong intake of caffeine or alcohol (probably because of all that water he drank), but this? This was something else! Had Owen slipped vodka into the coffee again...?

Regardless of his colleague's dumbfound expression, Jack carried on. _"And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over. I know, I know exactly what you need."_

"Don't you always," Ianto muttered, picking up a Jubilee Pizza box from the side and cursing as seven half-eaten crusts tumbled out; leaving smears of tomato sauce and cheese on his perfectly ironed shirt and polished shoes. Was that a piece of pepperoni? He shuddered – tonight was not unfolding as he had planned it. "I think I need a very strong coffee and a lie down…" He momentarily considered giving up on the date altogether, and heading home for a nice soak in the bath instead. It was still early evening; early, that is, for a Torchwood employee. Jack's thoughts, however, seemed to lead down a different track entirely. Seeing Ianto's eyebrows knit in frustration at the accumulated mess on his person, Jack placed a hand on each shoulder and steered his colleague towards his office. Ianto obliged willingly.

They came to a halt in front of the wooden cupboard adjacent to Jack's desk. Ianto looked curiously as Jack leant over to open the door and reached inside. _"And even in your case, though it's the toughest case I've yet to face,"_

"And what do you mean by that?!"

"_Don't worry – I'm determined to succeed, follow my lead and yes, indeed." _He pulled out a pale blue shirt – a clone of his own – and a pair of brown, leather braces.

"I'm fine, really!" His eyebrows were raised high. "Look, if we're gonna go, we need to leave now. The table's booked for 10…"

"_You. Will. Be. Popular!"_

"WHAT?!"

"_You're gonna be popular!"_

"I don't care, Jack! Let's go!"

Jack shoved the clothing towards Ianto and signalled for him to put them on, despite the protests in response. Always being the one to give in first, Ianto reluctantly unbuttoned his white, stained shirt and replaced it with the blue one. Always being the helpful one, Jack assisted with the braces. He was getting carried away now...

"_I'll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce."_

At this, Ianto just raised an eyebrow and held back a secret smile as Jack began to dance around the room. He headed towards the hat stand in the corner, and scooped his RAF greatcoat off the hook.

"Thank goodness!" cried Ianto throwing his arms up in the air. "Finally, the Captain is ready to take flight! If we run, we can make it there in just over five minutes..." However, Jack was far from finished. Instead of wearing it himself, he draped the coat over Ianto's shoulders and ruffled his hair, frowning at the stiffness caused by the excessive amount of hair product. _"I'll show you what _coat_ to wear, how to fix your hair – everything that really counts to be popular! __I'll help you be popular!"_

"Oh brother..." sighed Ianto, rolling his eyes. He walked out of the office and down the stairs, aware that Jack was just behind him.

"You'll hang with the right cohorts; you'll be good at sports..." Saying this, Jack waltzed over to Owen's desk and picked up the dimpled basketball. Positioning himself near the hoop, he tossed the orange ball high into the air; it hit the backboard and rebounded with an impressive curve. The two men observed as the ball became trapped in an endless journey, spinning around the inside of the hoop before shooting off towards the work stations. "Ah..." They watched as it hit Tosh's desk with an ominous TWACK! A sharp intake of breath followed as a meticulously stacked pile of folders were swept onto the floor and a complicated tangle of wires fell from the back of the computer monitor. They both agreed to blame it on the pteranadon. The ball rolled across the metal-grate floor and stopped abruptly at Ianto's feet. Gingerly, he lifted it with both hands and, with his tongue poking out in concentration, threw it neatly towards the net. Much to Jack's surprise and annoyance, the ball glided effortlessly through the air and slipped into the net without so much as touching the sides. Ianto turned and gave Jack an 'as-you-were-saying?' look, finding it difficult to suppress the smugness on his face.

At a genuine loss of what to say, Jack hesitated a moment before continuing, "And... erm... _know the slang you've got to know_... yeah._ So let's start 'cause you've got an awf'lly long way to go...!"_

"Oi! That's does it; you're _definitely_ paying tonight..." Ianto retorted, starting to make his way over to the cog-wheeled door.

Jack started to follow suit and spoke in an apologetic tone, _"Don't be offended by my frank analysis, think of it as..." _he paused, trying to think of the most diplomatic answer, "..._as personality dialysis." _

"Offended!" mumbled Ianto, "If this is how he treats all his dates, then I think I choose the bath..."

"_Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a _lover_ and adviser, there's nobody wiser, not when it comes to popular – I know about popular!" _

"Wait a minute," Ianto said, stopping in his tracks, "no one said anything about..."

"_And with an assist from me to be who'll you'll be, instead of dreary who-you-were... are... there's nothing that can stop you from becoming popu-ler...lar..."_

"Dreary?! That's not what you said the other night! You know, technically, I could report you for staff harassment!"

"Oh, you love it really!" Jack whispered in his ear; the softness of his breath sending an ineffable tingle through his body, causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand to attention.

"_When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features, I remind them on their own behalf to think of celebrated Heads of State or specially great communicators. Did they have brains or knowledge? Don't make me laugh! They were popular! Please – _the head of UNIT? With a face that handsome?! _It's all about popular!" _

"That explains you then..." Ianto muttered inaudibly.

"_It's not about aptitude; it's the way you're viewed, so it's very shrewd to be – very very popular like me!" _

"Modest with it, perhaps?" he questioned, grabbing Jack's wrist and physically dragging him towards the lift. _This will be quicker than taking the stairs_, he thought.

As Ianto stood – with the greatcoat still draped over his shoulders and his hair sticking up at odd angles – Jack stared at him lovingly. _"And though you protest your disinterest, I know clandestinedly... you're gonna grin and bear it, your new-found popularity!" _He watched as the lift ascended into place and Ianto huffed off, the unfamiliar weight and length of the coat causing him to stumble slightly. Inevitably, this gained strange looks from the tourists walking past.

Jack grinned to himself. That man was the one – he could _feel_ it.

He continued to watch Ianto as he made his way through Roald Dahl Plass; the coppery shell of the Millennium Centre glowing slightly under the watchful eye of the full moon above. Still smiling, he wrapped his arms across his body – there was a chill in the air. _"You'll be popular..._" he thought aloud, completely blanked by the two joggers in clashing tracksuits just ahead of him, "... _just not quite as popular as ME!" _Before he could jump off the paving slab (as he always did when the others weren't looking) Jack happened to catch his reflection in the polished surface of the dominating water tower behind him.

Rather dashing, he agreed to himself, as always!

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This is my first ever piece of fan-fiction, so please rate & review! Thanks!


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